For 2013’s White Elephant Blogathon over at Silly Hats Only

My assignment this year was Atlas Shrugged, Part One. This was not only a terrible movie but, due in large part to my lack of general insight, it may also have been a miscalculated choice for submission. Plenty has already been written about the wretchedness of this film and the stupidity of its politics, specifically Nathan Rabin’s My World of Flops entry over at The AV Club. To that fine piece of writing I have almost nothing to add. I agree with it entirely. Go read it. The opportunity to create an entertaining piece about the how terrible this movie is has been exhausted. So this will likely be one of the shortest White Elephant entries this year.

For my own part I can only say this: there is nothing, absolutely nothing, of interest in this film. In addition to being stupid it is stunningly boring. Say what you will of Ayn Rand and her politics, at least this book (which I read way back in high school) had the makings of a soapy melodrama, and it even has a big raygun at the end. None of that makes its way into this picture (It’s not actually a motion picture since only a couple of things actually move in it, and none of them are people or the camera). This is endlessly expository speechifying dialogue delivered by people standing still for over 90 minutes. Nothing else happens. Nothing. All of the “good stuff” in the book is saved for future filmed installments. At least part one of The Hobbit, an equally trifurcated but slightly less boring adaptation, had chases and fights and, you know, events. 

It’s appropriate and easy to attribute this film’s diabolical crappiness to its blinkered ideals, but its true evil is failing to provide even one remotely exciting or even amusingly stupid moment. It is entirely inert. 

A VIEW TO A KILL (1985, d. John Glen)

Roger Moore was thawed from cryosleep a week prior to the June ‘84 start of principal photography on A VIEW TO A KILL. 

“For years we’d just been keeping him in a big jar of pickle brine,” says director John Glen. “But it started turning his skin all green.”

for a short period Gidea Park’s cover of the Beach Boys’ “California Girls” was considered for the theme song. 

longtime 007 title designer Maurice Binder settled on a skiing motif for the opening credits sequence, saying “It’s too hot today.” 

Lois Maxwell’s outfit was repurposed from a dressage horse costume used elsewhere in the film.

Grace Jones & Christopher Walken were initially *both* up for the role of villain Max Zorin; Cubby could not decide who was more terrifying.  

Patrick Macnee was granted a leave of absence as Cubby Broccoli’s personal valet to appear as Bond’s sidekick Sir Godfrey Tibbett. 

Grace Jones actually performed the jump from the Eiffel Tower, her parachute a special effect; her own wings afforded her a safe landing. 

Roger Moore was almost instantly smitten with Jones. “She was like some sort of hairless jaguar carved out of obsidian, untamable.”

the cast & crew blew take after take, unable to stop laughing during scenes with Moore & actress Allison Doody, due to her ridiculous name. 

Tanya Roberts was actually a cyborg, hastily cobbled together from spare Playboy Playmate parts, programmed only to say “James!” 

Roger was stymied in his initial attempt to woo Jones. He recalls: “Grace demanded a dead raccoon & Yasser Arafat’s eye-teeth in tribute.” 

“Cubby Broccoli did the greatest Chris Walken impression I ever heard,” said Patrick Bauchau. 

Christopher Walken needed three weeks in traction after filming his martial arts sparring scenes with Jones. 

Jones’ & Moore’s love scene took several weeks of closed-set filming in a steel cage erected inside Pinewood’s enormous “007 Stage”. Moore: “It was as if I’d been seized by some primordial behoemoth and fed to her eager, vicious young. My lust for her was uncontrollable.” 

Jones responded to Roger’s advances by igniting several drums of petrol left over from Ridley Scott’s LEGEND, destroying the soundstage. she further insisted upon personally strangling Patrick Macnee for his carwash death scene. Broccoli & John Glen were too scared to refuse. 

production at Pinewood resumed in January ‘85 with a renamed “Albert R. Broccoli 007 Stage” housing a fully functional “Zorin’s Blimp” set. the set was so big that even the conspirator’s fall from the blimp trap-door was filmed without special effects and entirely indoors. 

Jones of course took her role very seriously and murdered 17 stuntmen in the course of filming that stunt. 

the Plymouth Reliant Roger Moore drives when following Tanya Roberts’ character was his personal car. 

Moore, desperate for Jones’ attention, begged Cubby to pretend that Roger had himself started the fire in the City Hall scene to impress her. Cubby recalled from his deathbed: “I had worked with Roger Moore for 12 years. I assumed I could handle anything.” 

the fire spread inevitably out of control. 23 fire trucks from 5 San Francisco precincts responded, along with 173 police officers, whom Moore lead on a frantic chase after commandeering a fire engine. he ditched his pursuers by using the truck’s swiveling rear section. 

Grace Jones was duly impressed. “I regret only that the old pig did not offer me some of the blood he shed. But I will accept this tribute.” 

contrary to rumor, Dolph Lundgren (who briefly cameos) was not Jones’ boyfriend but a bodyguard hired by Cubby to protect the crew from her. “I was issued a pistol loaded with extremely powerful shellfish neurotoxin it was hoped would at least slow her down if things got dicey.” 

Walken had a last bit of revenge on Cubby for the producer’s impression of him. Zorin’s “MORE POWER!” is a direct and frequent Cubby quote.

filming on the climactic bomb disposal scene in A VIEW TO A KILL went horribly awry on the last day of shooting. Grace Jones secretly substituted a real explosive for the production’s prop, intending to “purify” her soul and that of her new lover. 

Roger Moore, 97 years old at the time, simply couldn’t keep up with Jones as she carried the bomb off on a railroad pushcar. Moore’s reaction to the fatal explosion that claimed Grace Jones’ life remains in the released film, seen in the screencap above.

“After that I couldn’t go on.” production wrapped & the crew was sent home. This would be Roger Moore’s final 007 adventure. 

A VIEW TO A KILL was released on 22 May, 1985. Moore was returned to his cryopod. “Sniff you motherfuckers later,” read a telex sent to EON’s production offices. the pod remains in low-earth geosynchronous orbit.

OCTOPUSSY (1983, d. John Glen)

OCTOPUSSY went into production on 10 August, 1982. “Great title!” said Roger Moore. “It vividly calls to mind both a woman with 8 vaginas and a woman whose vagina has 8 powerful tentacles, like an octopus. Very evocative.”

Cubby Broccoli’s personal Acrostar jet plane was used in OCTOPUSSY’s pre-credits sequence, including the decoy horse trailer. 

009’s death was inspired by Cubby’s beloved pastime: ordering extras dressed as clowns over the wire at the nearest available Soviet border. 

during filming of the Soviet War Room scene, Walter Gotell blew take after take laughing at Steven Berkoff’s prominent mole. “It’s absurd!” 

Swedish actress & model Kristina Wayborn, who plays Bond girl Magda, was actually an elaborate animatronic covered in papier-mâché.

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981, d. John Glen)

the opening sequence of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY was inspired by Cubby Broccoli’s favorite pastime of dropping disabled people into smokestacks.

the sequence featuring the sinking of the ATAC spy ship was achieved by fully submerging it in Pinewood Studios’ massive main tank. unfortunately the entire cast and most of the crew, 37 souls in total, were drowned. 

Roger Moore adored the prospect of filming in Greece. “An English cocksman’s dream,” he said. “Marinating in that swarthy, hirsute strange.”

the first 1981 Lotus Esprits rolled off international lots fully equipped with an anti-theft self-destruct mechanism. miraculously, that feature, although quickly discontinued, killed a healthy 76% more intended criminal victims than innocent motorists. 

Carole Bouquet was a last-minute replacement for Jerry Hall, who had to leave the cast after a crossbow accident during preproduction.

Topol recalls his casting: “Cubby saw me in ‘Fiddler’, rang me up & ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum, we signed the deal.” 

Roger Moore was incensed. “I’ll be goddamned before i’ll let a British national treasure like 007 fall prey to an obvious agent of ZOG.” 

Cubby placated Moore by casting 22-year-old Lynn-Holly Johnson as a teenager with a crush on Bond. “Roger will totally believe she’s 14.” 

actor Julian Glover (the villain Kristatos) claimed that Moore insisted that this crush be written into the script. 

Martin Grace, Roger Moore’s stunt double, had to be called in for any shot in which Bond entered or exited his very low-riding Lotus Esprit. Grace later recalled, “Oh, yeah, it put me into Golden Time at least once a week.” 

Cassandra Harris was cast as Countess Lisl von Schlaf due to her resemblance to Wayland Flowers’ popular ventriloquist puppet Madame. 

Moore remained cagey in his scenes with Topol, refusing even to accept a glass from his hand. Eventually their angles were shot separately. Topol, for his part, thrilled in taunting the leading man, constantly prodding Moore to “Give us a kiss!” 

screenwriter Richard Maibaum later claimed, “That’s where all the talking parrot stuff came from. Anything to fuck with Roger.” 

the submerged corpses in FOR YOUR EYES ONLY’s ATAC recovery sequence are the real bodies of cast & crew killed in the earlier sinking scene. the bodies had remained in a freezer at Pinewood for 2 weeks before the underwater set was redressed with them for maximum visceral effect.

despite no sharks being harmed in the film, Moore successfully wrestled & killed 12 nurse sharks in as many takes for the keelhauling scene.

incidentally, the effect of flooded ancient Greek ruins in that scene was achieved by placing a fishtank in front of Cubby’s patio. 

the St. Cyril’s ascent took 3 weeks to shoot; Moore never once touched solid ground. he was sedated at night & slept hanging from a rope. 

Cubby Broccoli used his considerable influence to persuade Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and her husband to appear as themselves. the PM’s incredulous reaction to Max the Parrot’s cheeky 007 imitation was genuine. Roger Moore was actually on the other end of the phone.

“I asked Maggie if she’d ever been on a skin-boat ride,” Roger recalled with a chuckle. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY premiered in on June 24, 1981. 

LIVE AND LET DIE (1973, d. Guy Hamilton)

that the UN denied permission to film on location for LIVE AND LET DIE’s opening scene was the least of Cubby Broccoli’s problems. production was scheduled to begin in October ‘72. as of September, Sean Connery’s replacement had yet to be found.

Roger Moore had already turned down the part once. “I didn’t want to film in New Orleans,” he recalled. “The locals were a tad unsavory.” but he was in no position to bargain. typecast as The Saint, he couldn’t find work & entered a downward spiral of booze, pills and sex. 

Moore was enticed by the prospect of cheap American heroin, not to mention the thriving New Orleans sex trade.

Roger demanded $1Million, 4 grams of black tar heroin per diem, unlimited Monte Cristo cigars, and a handjob from a stripper. “A white stripper.” he said. the deal was struck & filming commenced as scheduled in Louisiana. 

sending 007 to Harlem was the brainchild of original director Larry Cohen; he was fired after suggesting Fred Williamson to replace Connery. 

Broccoli insisted that Julius Harris’ hand actually be lopped off and replaced with a steel claw. Cubby personally wielded the axe. 

Roger Moore had a pathological hatred of snakes; Bond’s hotel-room confrontation with one was not staged & was surreptitiously filmed. 

unfortunately Roger’s improvised hairspray flamethrower ignited the curtains and eventually reduced the entire hotel to ashes. 37 tourists were killed & the cost exceeded $800,000. Cubby successfully claimed Moore had passed out “from fatigue” with a lit Monte Cristo. 

Gloria Hendry improvised Agent Rosie Carver’s refusal of 007’s advances by threatening to take cyanide; the idea was worked into the plot.

“She had these thick, ropey muscles,” Roger Moore later recalled of his co-star. “I like to be choked. Her upper arm-strength intrigued me.”

Jane Seymour, then only 22, later said flatly, “That shit with the Tarot cards, where he tricks me into fucking him? Roger improv’d that.” 

“Roger kept asking me if I thought Jane Seymour was a virgin,” says Yaphet Kotto, who played the villain Kananga. “You know, was she a virgin, did I ever have a virgin, what would I do with a virgin if I had one…he was loaded 24/7 and very imaginative.”

Moore’s heroin-fueled antics routinely caused massive production delays which Cubby would recoup with a quick-footed crew and hasty rewrites.

first there was his kidnapping of Seymour during the commission of which he stole a double-decker bus, leading police on a lengthy chase. 

later he commandeered a small prop-plane being used to train an elderly student pilot, who had to be hospitalized after cardiac arrest. 

all of these costly catastrophes were caught on camera and much of the footage can be seen in the finished film. 

Cubby was beginning to think he’d made a massive miscalculation. the decision was made to halt production and get Roger some help. 

On New Year’s Day, 1973, Roger Moore was placed in a medically induced coma at a Manhattan hospital. Cubby claimed he had kidney stones. 

Moore recalls: “Then I woke up. Talk about a buzzkill. Plus, hospital food sucks and the nurses don’t put out. Bollocks.” 

meanwhile Broccoli was also mired in negotiations with both Jim Croce and The Doobie Brothers to write the theme song to LIVE AND LET DIE. 

Roger’s first day back found him confronting three hungry live crocodiles. with Cubby off dealing with the music things got out of hand fast.  

a terrified Moore fled, jumping on the crocs’ backs, then hijacked a speedboat, headed for the nearby wetlands. the rest is cinema history. 

the intrepid crew never missed a beat. Moore actually set a World Record (at the time) during the speedboat jump shot, clearing 110 feet. 

actor Clifton James, himself a candidate for the new 007, came to shoot additional chase footage. (and add some much-needed comic relief). “That was one squirrelly sumbitch,” said James of Moore. “Kept asking me if’n I was really the sheriff. I says, ‘I wouldn’t shit you, boy!’”

Huey P. Newton was considered for the part of Kananga’s henchman Whisper. the part eventually went to Earl Jolly Brown.

the famous air cannon used to kill Dr. Kananga was actually employed years later by plastic surgeons to make Roger Moore’s face relax. 

production wrapped and Broccoli had a last-minute theme song solution. “Fuck it, McCartney owes me 30 grand for strippers & caviar anyway.” 

and despite a psychiatrist’s warning (“Roger thinks he *is* 007.”), Cubby’s thrifty side kicked in: “And he’s got no place else to go.” 

“I was like, I know this guy.” said Moore. “I was home.” LIVE AND LET DIE opened on 6/27/73. 

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974, d. Guy Hamilton)

Christopher Lee famously challenged Hervé Villechaize to a hot dog eating contest on THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN’s first day of production.

he lost. 

Villechaize ate 14 regulation wieners in 2 minutes. Lee, a compulsive gambler, would constantly bait the cast & crew with absurd dares. 

Lee was chosen for the titular role as, like the character in Fleming’s novel, he had a superfluous third nipple (which he named “Fergus”).

Scaramanga’s funhouse set was purchased at auction by the Westboro Baptist Church in 1977 for a lowball bid of $27,000. it was relocated piece by piece to Topeka, KS, and turned into an anti-abortion “Hell House”. 

Roger Moore got off to a lousy start in his second outing as 007, when Lee actually shot off all of his fingers in the pre-credits scene. 

Maud Adams was thrilled, however, as she’d tired quite quickly of Moore’s “busy hands”. Moore countered that she was “frigid”. 

Moore was keen to film in the Far East, particularly Bangkok, which he described as “a gentleman’s delight”. 

Lee made himself quite a bit of fun betting that Roger Moore could not distinguish between female prostitutes and the fabled “Ladyboys”.

“Christopher was a funny chap,” said the very experienced Moore of the friendly wager. “I let him have his fun, but I’m hardly a man who turns down a buffet, if you take my meaning.” he continued with a twinkle. 

Britt Ekland loathed Moore, so her then-husband Peter Sellers (who played 007 in CASINO ROYALE) played Goodnight in their scenes together. 

fully functioning brass copies of Scaramanga’s multi-piece gun were manufactured by Remington in time for Christmas 1974. unfortunately, the bullets exploded when the cigarette lighter was used, maiming 16 people (two of them children, all on Christmas Day). 

M’s headquarters in the sunken RMS Queen Elizabeth was not a set; it was Bond super-producer Cubby Broccoli’s personal offices. 

despite sharing no scenes, Desmond Llewelyn & Villechaize made fast on-set friends due to a shared love of plum wine & cheap Thai opium.

Once the production moved to Hong Kong, Lee, mired in gambling debt, successfully sold Villechaize to a local triad to pay off his marker.

Cubby was livid. With 35 days left to shoot, he was forced to sell partner Harry Saltzman’s rights to 007 to the gangsters & get Hervé back. this would be Harry Saltzman’s final 007 production.

Fu Yuck is an actual brand of Hong Kong champagne; Moore preferred it to Dom or Bollinger, saying it “tastes as yellow as the local ladies.” 

Maud Adams recalls “Roger Moore was the most unrepentant racist I have ever met.”

Moore makes no defense of himself. “My distaste for foreigners is matched only by my love of an open sex trade.” 

in fact, Moore demanded Clifton James’ return to the franchise; he delighted in the actor’s casual racism & voracious sexual appetite. 

“That boy was a goddamn pre-vert,” James later recalled. “Me an’ Rog fucked our way through every pyjama-wearin’ pointy-head we could find.”

(a side note: the elephant that unceremoniously shoves Sheriff J.W. Pepper into a river was actually Bernard Lee’s third wife Louise.) 

Peter Sellers was nearly killed in an aborted attempt to film Mary Goodnight’s “death” by train, a crucial scene from Fleming’s novel. 

Maud Adams’ calamitous love scene with Moore nearly shut down the entire production. It was to be filmed on the Scaramanga’s Junk set. 

Not only did Adams get monstrously seasick, she’d had no food all day from sheer nerves & began to dry heave at Moore’s slightest touch.

Roger, ever the unflappable pro, shouted with aplomb “I do enjoy a bit of foreplay!” and privately confided to Cubby: “I think she’s gay.” 

the scene was moved to a generic hotel room. Cubby now insisted it be done in 1 take to make up for lost shoot time. Director Guy Hamilton: “By this point Maud had taken so many yellowjackets, just to stop shaking, that she could only lie down, immobile.” 

They shot the scene anyway, Adams stiff as a board on the bed. “Nothing I’m not used to!” quipped Moore. “The show must go on,” he later remarked in his 1991 007-themed memoir “Bondage”. “If you can’t stand my heat, stay out of this kitchen.”

production decamped to Ko Khao Phing Kan island, Ian Fleming’s secret mercenary training camp & location for Scaramanga’s funhouse hideout. even in the isolated location, Christopher Lee’s pursuit of chance games continued; he lost a crucial thumb-wrestling match with Saltzman.

the consequences were severe. Herschel “Harry” Saltzman, himself a former CIA man, was still furious with Cubby for selling him out. Saltzman ordered his star to live up to his character: murder Cubby Broccoli or pay the full 8.7million pounds he owed the producer. 

“Apparently I was confused about what ‘Double or Nothing’ means.” said a regretful Lee. 

Hervé stilled owed Cubby a significant sum for his rescue; basically he was an indentured servant. Cubby legally renamed him “Knick-Knack”. Lee used this to his advantage, scheduling a private dinner with Cubby, which Hervé would of course be expected to serve. 

Villechaize, passed out in the crook of Desmond Llewelyn’s arm after an opium bender, did not even notice Lee planting the bomb on him. 

Lee was however an inexperienced bombmaker, as Cubby’s luck would have it. He had foolishly attached crude molotov cocktails with tape. Hervé drank them. the plot was foiled. Cubby, furious, had Villechaize set adrift, locked in a trunk on the Chinese Junk set until 1978. 

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN opened on 12/19/74, and grossed nearly $100M. “Personally I thought it was shit,” said Roger Moore. “But it’s a sweet deal. I’m hip deep in poon and we go places with no extradition.” 

MOONRAKER (1979, d. Lewis Gilbert)

MOONRAKER was rushed into production in March ‘79 to immediately capitalize on the sudden blockbuster success of Luigi Cozzi’s STAR CRASH. 

screenwriter Christopher Wood came up with the opening skydiving sequence after sitting next to Roger Moore on a 15-hour flight to Brazil.

coincidentally, MOONRAKER editor & future 007 director John Glen was also one of the original Mercury 7 astronauts.

the centrifuge sequence was shot simply by strapping Roger Moore to a camera in a barrel & rolling it down a hill.

the effects of the G-Force simulation on Mr. Moore’s face were not faked; his face can just do that.

the assassin that Bond shoots from a tree was really shot & killed by Roger Moore. luckily he was a groundskeeper owned by Pinewood studio. 

only 375 “CanaleMaestro” Hover-Gondolas were ever produced by Italian automaker Fiat in 1979. their colossal failure bankrupted the company.

Michael Lonsdale could eat his weight in Beef Wellington, & by contract was required to do so on legendary producer Cubby Broccoli’s whim. 

Cubby initially insisted that the famous gravel pit scene from Fleming’s MOONRAKER novel be inserted into the script and set on the moon.

despite his profligacy Cubby could also be quite the spendthrift, insisting that Desmond Llewelyn go dutch on their frequent cocaine binges.

during filming at waterfalls in Argentina, Moore needed 4.5gal of sunblock per shooting day to prevent his skin from flaying off in the sun. 

yet Moore was no slouch, wrestling & killing real 17-foot maneating water pythons in take after take. “I really hate snakes,” he said later.

filmmaking in space proved difficult & dangerous, especially for director Lewis Gilbert. sadly this would be his final 007 adventure.

first the weightless orgy scene filmed on Moonraker 4 was marred by a bout with food poisoning & had to be scrapped.

Cubby decided to eat the day & redock with the Moonraker station. but the schedule was so tight that the toilets hadn’t been installed yet. 

“It was awful,” Lonsdale said later. “Cubby liked to make me take my beef just before a zero-g scene. There was puke everywhere.” 

then, in a freak accident, director Gilbert (typically operating his own camera), Richard Kiel and actress Irka Bochenko were lost when, during filming, a misfired laser ruptured a C-Deck bulkhead, sending their pod hurtling into space. it’s assumed they burned up on reentry.

some of this footage remains in the finished film. 

legendary 007 mastermind Cubby Broccoli was forced to take the director’s chair for what he called the “astronaut laser fight scene”. 

Cubby spared no expense: 200 trained astronauts on loan from NASA & the USSR were employed to bring the sequence to life.

“We’re lucky we got out alive.” said Moore. “Cubby just opened the airlocks & sucked us out to float around like bumper cars.” 

“Two fucking weeks of that!” recalls Lonsdale. “We were dehydrated, hungry.” the production wrapped. “I can fix it in post.” Cubby said.

MOONRAKER finally arrived in theaters in June of ‘79, after just 4 months of total production. it cost a then-astronomical $34 million. 

“It made me filthy rich,” said Roger Moore. “I got to keep the jumpsuit, too & Lois Chiles doesn’t shave her armpits, which was hot.”

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977, d. Lewis Gilbert)

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME commenced filming in August 1976 just after Roger Moore’s 87th birthday.

Curt Jurgens was a last minute replacement when Brando demanded a fully-functioning version of the Atlantis undersea base.

although Jurgens did ask (and was allowed) to bring the occasional companion over to Stromberg’s bachelor pad set after a day’s shooting. 

Anwar Sadat auditioned for the role of minor villain Fekkesh. 

Barbara Bach was designed by Carlo Rambaldi in only two weeks. However it was at the then-astronomical cost of 1.2 million dollars.

there were 17 copies of Roger Moore’s tuxedo in various stages of distress, sometimes so tight Moore needed 3 assistants & 1hr+ to put it on.

the famous shot of Jaws dropping a rock on his foot was an accident. Richard Kiel really did lose all but 1 toe (the big one) on the right.

Walter Gotell & Bernard Lee hated each other in real life & forced Cubby Broccoli to intermediate; tough since Broccoli only spoke Romanian.

Kiel’s train car fight with Moore took 2 weeks to rehearse but 6 to shoot due to continuity issues from being filmed on a real moving train.

eventually the whole thing was scrapped, rewritten and reshot, this time set at night.

originally Cubby wanted the Lotus Esprit submarine to be a time machine, however writer Richard Maibaum dismissed that idea as “too cheeky”.

Michael Jackson purchased Curt Jurgens’ wardrobe for THE SPY WHO LOVED ME at auction in 1987 for 315,000 dollars, outbidding Grace Slick. 

the drunk beachgoer in this 007 installment’s “i gotta lay off the booze” throwaway joke is played by ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE director Peter Hunt’s son Mike.

legendary Production Designer Ken Adam consulted none other than Kubrick about lighting Roger Moore to make him appear more lifelike.

Curt Jurgens’ voice coach was paid $150,000 but could not successfully stop him from pronouncing it “Mr. Bund”.

the scene wherein Jurgens escapes the tanker with Bach by speedboat was the final one filmed for SPY WHO LOVED ME. neither actor was ever seen again.

Roger Moore’s toupee was sprayed with Thompson’s Water Seal before filming the Jet Ski sequence. 

Stromberg’s fatal showdown with 007 was the first day of shooting. at the time, Curt Jurgens was 7 months pregnant.

“I’m very proud of my work in SPY,” said Moore in 1987. “Barbara had really nice tits and Cubby always had blow, it was amaze-balls.”

There are doubtless many people who are able to appreciate Freddy Got Fingered. I am not one of them.

The directorial debut of one Tom Green, the film is ostensibly the story of Gordy (played by Green), an aspiring cartoonist who evidently suffers from extremely poor impulse control and an almost pathological, even deliberate, lack of propriety.  He has made a life of irritating his evidently perpetually put-upon parents (Julie Hagerty and Rip Torn), who seem thrilled to finally get him out of the house as he embarks on a road trip to LA in hopes of starting a career as an animator. 

That sounds like the foundation of a not-particularly-original coming-of-age comedy, the goals of which Freddy Got Fingered intends (at least I think so) to entirely subvert by way of utterly random absurdist nonsense. This movie isn’t interested in telling a story, creating relatable or realistic characters or even hewing to any idea, conventional or un-,  of a comedic narrative. 

And that’s fine.

But I don’t have to like it.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate Freddy Got Fingered because of some hifalutin idea of what a comedy is “supposed” to be. It just so happens that Tom Green’s brand of humor is like kryptonite to me. 

Take an early scene in which Gordy comes across a roadkill deer on his way from Portland to LA. Next we’re treated to what felt like five or six excruciating minutes during which Gordy eviscerates the animal and wears its carcass. He dances around on the deserted pavement, shouting phrases like “Now I’m stinky!” and putting pieces of deer guts in his mouth. Again, I do not mean to suggest that this is objectively unfunny, merely that I found it supremely irritating. 

In another scene, Gordy, working in a cheese sandwich factory (OK, points for that one funny idea), just gets up on the conveyor belt and starts accosting the other workers, screaming at them, interrupting their work, and generally being a nuisance. If I had to work with this guy in real life I would gleefully beat him to death with a garden hose full of beebees. I would also film this act and present it as a groundbreaking form of anti-comedy.

I have no tolerance for this sort of bullshit, which I suspect is entirely the point. I suppose I am exactly the kind of person Green delights in exasperating, and I further suppose that my seething hatred for it would delight him even more, which in turn exacerbates my irrational rage.

There’s a subplot about Gordy’s romance with a wheelchair-bound woman (Marisa Coughlin), who apparently has no interest in Gordy beyond her desire to suck his cock. Okay, whatever. I’m not sure if this is meant to be merely another absurd detour in place of some boring, conventional story arc or if it’s just another goof, but either way who cares?

What about Gordy’s strained (to say the least) relationship with his father? Rip Torn does an admirable job depicting his completely justified disgust for his son. By the time the title’s meaning becomes clear (Gordy accuses his father of sexually assaulting his younger brother) it’s possible (though not necessarily likely) that I was meant to feel sad for these two men, so unable to reach each other despite the bonds of family, but mostly I rooted for Torn every time he took a swing at this awful piece of shit he conceived. 

Freddy Got Fingered transcends both humor and taste. If I attack it purely on the subjective basis of being unfunny, I sound like some grumpy old codger. If I attack its loose (to say the least) structure, I am somehow ignoring its deliberate attempts to sabotage any “normal” idea of comedy. In short, this is a lose-lose proposition. I can only emphatically state that I loathed every minute of this film.